My Immortal Commentary
by animerocksgirl13
Summary: Oh yes. I've decided to comment on it.
1. Chapter 1

**So, I decided to my commentary on what is by far, the worst fanfiction ever. My Immortal. It was removed from fanfiction a few years ago (It was THAT bad). I'm currently getting the chapters from a masterpost on tumblr, so some of it may differ from the original. My comments are bold.**

**I don't own this.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **Mother of god.** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.**She obviously did a horrible job.** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2!**I don't even...** MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **Let me ask: How drunk were your parents when they named you? **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**So, you were born with long ebony hair. And your already drunk parents named you after that?** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **I am so sorry Amy, that you must be mentioned in this.**(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)** I'd leave anyways**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**And that ,kids, is what we call incest.** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen) **No shit, Sherlock.**. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.** And I'm a horrible Mary Sue.** I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.**So, what about the uniform, slut?** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**Was that necessary? ** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining** Is that even possible?** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **Oh, I'm so scared.**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **The suspense just killed me.**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **Draco Malfoy...shy? After he shouted for you? Going a little OOC here.**

But then, I heard my friends **lol, what friends?** call me and I had to go away. **Such an amazing conversation.**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **No.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow. You guys are still here. Thank goodness I don't own this story.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.**Really, Hogwarts is good, but not that good.** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **That's not creepy at all.**My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **Excuse me, but pink is a preppy color, no?** I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.**Why is she using my favorite band? WHY?** Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on **Seriously. Hogwarts has a uniform. And if we have to go through another description...**. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**Dear god. **

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.**Woah, hold up. She grinned at you, then flipped her hair, AND THEN opened her eyes?** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots.**These descriptions will be the death of me.** We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)** Is this relevant to the story, or lack thereof?**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **Wow, text speak. **

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **Just because a girl talks to someone does not mean she likes him, freak. And...since when are the Slytherin dungeons right next to the great hall'?**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **Was in necessary to shout?**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **Perfect timing.**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Is that even an adjective?**

"Guess what." he said. **OHMYGODWHAT?**

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **A muggle band in Hogsmeade? And why does Draco care for a muggle band?**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I _love _GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **Typical fangirl reaction to a great band, I'll give her some slack.**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **Do you two even know each other? **

I gasped.** Wow. Suspense.**


	3. Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **Do I even have to point out all of the spelling mistakes?**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.** Wait. What?** Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **Know what you're talking about BEFORE you write it. You'll look like a dumbass. Oh wait...**on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms.**You sound so stupid right now.** I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.**Oh yeah, because going to see my favorite band always makes me depressed. And why are you saying this so lightly? Its a serious issue, self harm.** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **Would the book get blood all over it? Gross.** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **That didn't stop you for two chapters.**I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **I don't see if that was necessary. **

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner **The amount of OOC. My baby, what has she done to you?** (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.** Oh, hi cute guy who is taking me to a great concert. I'll just be all depressed.**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)**I am just going to facepalm at how hard she is trying. ** and flew to the place with the concert **You mean Hogsmeade **. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs**Great influence, this girl is**. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.**Without parking on the ground? ** We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **That isn't moshing.**

"_You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." _sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Joel is _so _fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **Don't say that to your date! Dumbass!**

Suddenly Draco looked sad.**See, now look what you've done!**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.** I can see why you aren't a Ravenclaw.**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **Sure...whatever you say Mary Sue.**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **Yeah, he's going to be protective of her in a mosh pit.**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **How can a face be blonde?**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back** Because of how high you two were? Or how stupid you are?** into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.**

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><p><strong>Next chapter is going to be the best.<strong>


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